Sunday, November 7, 2010
brrrrrrr
48° INSIDE. Not sure if this is stupid or not but I'm keeping my monthly electric bill down. Using NO heat whatsoever means I can keep the bill around $40-45. Not bad. But with three layers on my upper body, including a fleece HAT and a heavy hooded sweatshirt, I'm still a little chilly. Ugh.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Odd
It's strange that it's only 7:45 p.m. but it feels like 10 or 11. Maybe because I'm so bored. I dunno. Worries, troubles, didn't sleep well last night, tired today, tired this evening, ready to go to sleep it seems. I'd wake up around 4 or 5 in the morning. Beats me. Whatever. No trail today -- rainy and I'm just not equipped or well, maybe that's just an excuse as I could have headed out, I do have the right clothes but I just didn't want to. So easy to take an overcast day with rain and just stay in and do not much. Perfect excuse for that. Now tonight no baseball, don't feel like music, watched a movie this morning so not ready for another, don't feel like doing anything else, have death on my mind, just plum worn out, I tell ya. Worn out from doing nothing? That's the truth.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Another Day
1 hour 12 minutes on the trail
4:14 run
60° and overcast. My first long sleeve day.
Main tunes: Reilly - Around The World (2010)
Decent album. Few tunes not so great but others have some cool U2-ish guitar riffs plus electric violin. Nicely rockin'. Not a load of praise but it's there kinda mild or subtle.
Physically feelin' excellent. Lots of weight still still still to lose. Lots. But feel good.
Thought about suicide again. Especially if this house gets foreclosed on and I am forcibly taken out of here by the sheriff's department, with no money, with nothing but the clothes on my back -- then there's nothing but homelessness and truly no reason to live. I'll try to escape that but it's a possibility. We'll see what happens.
4:14 run
60° and overcast. My first long sleeve day.
Main tunes: Reilly - Around The World (2010)
Decent album. Few tunes not so great but others have some cool U2-ish guitar riffs plus electric violin. Nicely rockin'. Not a load of praise but it's there kinda mild or subtle.
Physically feelin' excellent. Lots of weight still still still to lose. Lots. But feel good.
Thought about suicide again. Especially if this house gets foreclosed on and I am forcibly taken out of here by the sheriff's department, with no money, with nothing but the clothes on my back -- then there's nothing but homelessness and truly no reason to live. I'll try to escape that but it's a possibility. We'll see what happens.
Yawn
No trail yesterday.
Found out I don't have enough money this month to pay the bills.
Power was actually paid for 2 months so good there.
Water I can pay. But I can't pay cable TV/internet/phone. Or I can pay that but not have any money for any food which means I'd be running very close to empty come end of the month. Then will December 1st bring me what I need to keep going for another 30 days? I do not know.
This is buggin' me. Not sure what I can do. Nothing to sell. I'm in a bad spot.
I just don't know.
Found out I don't have enough money this month to pay the bills.
Power was actually paid for 2 months so good there.
Water I can pay. But I can't pay cable TV/internet/phone. Or I can pay that but not have any money for any food which means I'd be running very close to empty come end of the month. Then will December 1st bring me what I need to keep going for another 30 days? I do not know.
This is buggin' me. Not sure what I can do. Nothing to sell. I'm in a bad spot.
I just don't know.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I Used To Be Somebody Else
1 hour 30 minutes on the trail.
4:01 run.
Mostly sunny, nice day to work on getting some sun. With shirt off, a little chilly when walking through shade but fortunately there are some nice stretches of sun that I can stay in most of the time. Lotsa back and forth but worth it, I guess. Not that it matters if I am tanned or not. My vanity wants me to be nice and tan but there's no one to be tan for.
Anyway....
Main Music: Hawk Nelson... Is My Friend (2008)
Pretty good album. The line "I used to be somebody else" really struck me. I'm not a depressed person by nature. I'm a person who enjoys life, knows how to live and have fun, someone who isn't sad all the time. This depression that I live with is caused by people who've, well, done me wrong. It has really hurt and it still hurts, every day, every hour. All I can do is try to fill my days with whatever to help me take my mind off it all.
All I want is my happiness back. What really sucks is that's beyond my grasp, it's not something I can get all by myself. Being happy isn't something I can change without help. How messed up is that? And where does it leave me? Broken...
and just wanting to die. But I hang on.
Faith keeps me hanging on.
4:01 run.
Mostly sunny, nice day to work on getting some sun. With shirt off, a little chilly when walking through shade but fortunately there are some nice stretches of sun that I can stay in most of the time. Lotsa back and forth but worth it, I guess. Not that it matters if I am tanned or not. My vanity wants me to be nice and tan but there's no one to be tan for.
Anyway....
Main Music: Hawk Nelson... Is My Friend (2008)
Pretty good album. The line "I used to be somebody else" really struck me. I'm not a depressed person by nature. I'm a person who enjoys life, knows how to live and have fun, someone who isn't sad all the time. This depression that I live with is caused by people who've, well, done me wrong. It has really hurt and it still hurts, every day, every hour. All I can do is try to fill my days with whatever to help me take my mind off it all.
All I want is my happiness back. What really sucks is that's beyond my grasp, it's not something I can get all by myself. Being happy isn't something I can change without help. How messed up is that? And where does it leave me? Broken...
and just wanting to die. But I hang on.
Faith keeps me hanging on.
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