Another Day

1 hour 12 minutes on the trail

4:14 run

60° and overcast. My first long sleeve day.

Main tunes: Reilly - Around The World (2010)



Decent album. Few tunes not so great but others have some cool U2-ish guitar riffs plus electric violin. Nicely rockin'. Not a load of praise but it's there kinda mild or subtle.

Physically feelin' excellent. Lots of weight still still still to lose. Lots. But feel good.

Thought about suicide again. Especially if this house gets foreclosed on and I am forcibly taken out of here by the sheriff's department, with no money, with nothing but the clothes on my back -- then there's nothing but homelessness and truly no reason to live. I'll try to escape that but it's a possibility. We'll see what happens.

I Used To Be Somebody Else

1 hour 30 minutes on the trail.

4:01 run.

Mostly sunny, nice day to work on getting some sun. With shirt off, a little chilly when walking through shade but fortunately there are some nice stretches of sun that I can stay in most of the time. Lotsa back and forth but worth it, I guess. Not that it matters if I am tanned or not. My vanity wants me to be nice and tan but there's no one to be tan for.

Anyway....

Main Music: Hawk Nelson... Is My Friend (2008)



Pretty good album. The line "I used to be somebody else" really struck me. I'm not a depressed person by nature. I'm a person who enjoys life, knows how to live and have fun, someone who isn't sad all the time. This depression that I live with is caused by people who've, well, done me wrong. It has really hurt and it still hurts, every day, every hour. All I can do is try to fill my days with whatever to help me take my mind off it all.

All I want is my happiness back. What really sucks is that's beyond my grasp, it's not something I can get all by myself. Being happy isn't something I can change without help. How messed up is that? And where does it leave me? Broken...

and just wanting to die. But I hang on.

Faith keeps me hanging on.

Everything Rides On Faith Somehow

1 hour 36 minutes of Trail Time Today.

3:55 of running.

Main tunes: Brandon Heath - Don't Get Comfortable



This album doesn't do much for me. Lyrics are bland. I'll give it a good listen again sometime and see how it pans out but the other songs I included in my playlist were much better, including Hope Now by Addison Road. Simply one of the best songs ever.

Thought about suicide again, briefly. With nothing to live for, it seems like the right thing to do. It needs to be done to teach someone a lesson. It needs to be done to live a life that isn't about living with sadness everyday. That's not what my life should be.

We'll see. For now: Vikings - Patriots.

People and a Hike & Run

Somehow I got my butt in gear and hit the trail a little earlier this afternoon. Cool day, serious sunlight. One tiny baby snake and a bird swimming through a pond with its body underwater and its long neck and head skyward looking like a stick popping a foot out of the water. After a swim of maybe 200 yards it finally went up on land to dry off/catch its breathe. Strange sight.

Also strange was an encounter with people. Some couple and a bunch of kids and a few dogs. Maybe only third time all month that I've actually spoken to a real live person. Ain't that messed up?! It shows how much of a shut in I really have been.

Good exercise, though...

1 hour, 24 minutes on the trail.

2:41 run . . . and then another short minute or so long run.

Gonna take a lot of work to get my running time back up to where I once was. Gotta start slow. Cardiovascular system is not used to being used as is it when I start to run. Talking a long walk is pretty easy, legs feel great, feet feel great . . . but running ain't easy.

Interestingly on the way back the question arose in my mind -- why? What does it matter if I spend an hour and a half walking plus some time running to improve my health? What does it matter?!? Why'm I doing it? I don't know. Best answer I could come up with is it gives me an excuse to listen to music. How messed up is that?!

Heavy

My weight the other day: 229.2 pounds.
That's within 1 lb. of the heaviest I've ever been
which was about 6 months ago.

Since then I've gotten down to about 212
but it's been a struggle.

October has seen my exercise time reduce to NOTHING...

until a couple days ago. On Thursday I somehow got the motivation to set up a playlist on my mp3 player and I got out on the trail for about an hour including a couple minutes of running.

(With the exception of walking 35 minutes roundtrip for a 6 pack) my time outside on Thursday was probably more than ALL my time outside ALL month. Seriously. I've been a cave-dweller, a shut-in. I may have walked to the local convenience store once (like 2 minutes away) and I've walked outside to get the mail. Depression is just kinda killing me slowly. Right now I wanna set up another playlist, change clothes and hit the trail again but depression keeps half my mind sleepy, feeling fatigued, wanting to just lay down and veg out watching whatever's on TV. Part of me just doesn't care about my weight. Why should I lose weight? To be healthier. But why? What does it matter? When you want to die, why does being healthy matter?!?!?!