1 hour 30 minutes on the trail.4:01 run.Mostly sunny, nice day to work on getting some sun. With shirt off, a little chilly when walking through shade but fortunately there are some nice stretches of sun that I can stay in most of the time. Lotsa back and forth but worth it, I guess. Not that it matters if I am tanned or not. My vanity wants me to be nice and tan but there's no one to be tan for.Anyway....Main Music: Hawk Nelson... Is My Friend (2008)
Pretty good album. The line "I used to be somebody else" really struck me. I'm not a depressed person by nature. I'm a person who enjoys life, knows how to live and have fun, someone who isn't sad all the time. This depression that I live with is caused by people who've, well, done me wrong. It has really hurt and it still hurts, every day, every hour. All I can do is try to fill my days with whatever to help me take my mind off it all.
All I want is my happiness back. What really sucks is that's beyond my grasp, it's not something I can get all by myself. Being happy isn't something I can change without help. How messed up is that? And where does it leave me? Broken...
and just wanting to die. But I hang on.
Faith keeps me hanging on.
1 hour 36 minutes of Trail Time Today.3:55 of running.Main tunes: Brandon Heath - Don't Get Comfortable
This album doesn't do much for me. Lyrics are bland. I'll give it a good listen again sometime and see how it pans out but the other songs I included in my playlist were much better, including Hope Now by Addison Road. Simply one of the best songs ever.
Thought about suicide again, briefly. With nothing to live for, it seems like the right thing to do. It needs to be done to teach someone a lesson. It needs to be done to live a life that isn't about living with sadness everyday. That's not what my life should be.
We'll see. For now: Vikings - Patriots.
My weight the other day: 229.2 pounds.
That's within 1 lb. of the heaviest I've ever been
which was about 6 months ago.Since then I've gotten down to about 212
but it's been a struggle.October has seen my exercise time reduce to NOTHING...until a couple days ago. On Thursday I somehow got the motivation to set up a playlist on my mp3 player and I got out on the trail for about an hour including a couple minutes of running.
(With the exception of walking 35 minutes roundtrip for a 6 pack) my time outside on Thursday was probably more than ALL my time outside ALL month. Seriously. I've been a cave-dweller, a shut-in. I may have walked to the local convenience store once (like 2 minutes away) and I've walked outside to get the mail. Depression is just kinda killing me slowly. Right now I wanna set up another playlist, change clothes and hit the trail again but depression keeps half my mind sleepy, feeling fatigued, wanting to just lay down and veg out watching whatever's on TV. Part of me just doesn't care about my weight. Why should I lose weight? To be healthier. But why? What does it matter? When you want to die, why does being healthy matter?!?!?!
