Everything Rides On Faith Somehow

1 hour 36 minutes of Trail Time Today.

3:55 of running.

Main tunes: Brandon Heath - Don't Get Comfortable



This album doesn't do much for me. Lyrics are bland. I'll give it a good listen again sometime and see how it pans out but the other songs I included in my playlist were much better, including Hope Now by Addison Road. Simply one of the best songs ever.

Thought about suicide again, briefly. With nothing to live for, it seems like the right thing to do. It needs to be done to teach someone a lesson. It needs to be done to live a life that isn't about living with sadness everyday. That's not what my life should be.

We'll see. For now: Vikings - Patriots.

People and a Hike & Run

Somehow I got my butt in gear and hit the trail a little earlier this afternoon. Cool day, serious sunlight. One tiny baby snake and a bird swimming through a pond with its body underwater and its long neck and head skyward looking like a stick popping a foot out of the water. After a swim of maybe 200 yards it finally went up on land to dry off/catch its breathe. Strange sight.

Also strange was an encounter with people. Some couple and a bunch of kids and a few dogs. Maybe only third time all month that I've actually spoken to a real live person. Ain't that messed up?! It shows how much of a shut in I really have been.

Good exercise, though...

1 hour, 24 minutes on the trail.

2:41 run . . . and then another short minute or so long run.

Gonna take a lot of work to get my running time back up to where I once was. Gotta start slow. Cardiovascular system is not used to being used as is it when I start to run. Talking a long walk is pretty easy, legs feel great, feet feel great . . . but running ain't easy.

Interestingly on the way back the question arose in my mind -- why? What does it matter if I spend an hour and a half walking plus some time running to improve my health? What does it matter?!? Why'm I doing it? I don't know. Best answer I could come up with is it gives me an excuse to listen to music. How messed up is that?!

Heavy

My weight the other day: 229.2 pounds.
That's within 1 lb. of the heaviest I've ever been
which was about 6 months ago.

Since then I've gotten down to about 212
but it's been a struggle.

October has seen my exercise time reduce to NOTHING...

until a couple days ago. On Thursday I somehow got the motivation to set up a playlist on my mp3 player and I got out on the trail for about an hour including a couple minutes of running.

(With the exception of walking 35 minutes roundtrip for a 6 pack) my time outside on Thursday was probably more than ALL my time outside ALL month. Seriously. I've been a cave-dweller, a shut-in. I may have walked to the local convenience store once (like 2 minutes away) and I've walked outside to get the mail. Depression is just kinda killing me slowly. Right now I wanna set up another playlist, change clothes and hit the trail again but depression keeps half my mind sleepy, feeling fatigued, wanting to just lay down and veg out watching whatever's on TV. Part of me just doesn't care about my weight. Why should I lose weight? To be healthier. But why? What does it matter? When you want to die, why does being healthy matter?!?!?!

Morning Drunk

Hallelujah, post #1. 8:29 a.m. and I'm about to crak open my 6th beer. And I'm listening to tapes. Computer doesn't play mp3 files or CDs as loud as I wanted to listen to music. And the stereo's CD player is broken so I had dig out what tapes I've had sitting in a box for years.

By the way, tapes look like this:



here's the playlist so far...

Album # 1: The Cure - Wish (1992)



Several lyrics really grabbed me but for the life o' me I cannot remember which because I haveben drinking. And not every typing mistake i am going to correct.


Album #2: R.E.M. - Green (1988)




Currently, Album #3: U2 - The Joshua Tree (1987)




With the U2 tape, you must ALWAYS play Side 2 first because side 1 has all the best songs. Well, best is subjective, of course. But that's what I do, not that Side is really better than 2 because they're ALL GREAT songs. Same deal with R.E.M. Green and The Cure Wish -- ALL GREAT SONGS! Splendid trio to start the day. Not that I'm starting my day now, I'm actually just ending my day, or closing in on ending it. Awake all night and it was a sytarnge (strange) one for me. Turned on the radio at some point -- a Christian radio station that my stereo is tuned to -- Way-FM. Usually I listen to Christian music daily when I go on the trail for a run and a short hike. But that hasn't been ahppening since approximately the last few days of September. Long time gone, lotta weight put on. Not good. In any case, every time I went out I listened to a Christian album plus a whole bunch of other songs. My mp3 player was a lifesaver for me, sort of, at leastit was a great friend. Always a new playlist, each day new tunes that I haven't heard in awhile or sometimes new tuines that i've never heard. Great music!

Biut ther'e's been no music since September. Dry month. Now and then i'd put the radio on for a few minutes a day, not much, ya know. Very little. Maybe 6 or 7 times all month. But this morning, early, like 2 a.m. I turned off the TV and turned the radio on. Wow. Such good music. Brought me to God. I havemn't been there in so long. He's always always always with me but I get disconnected from Him big time sometimes and music helps bring me back.

But, and I know i shouldn't start paragraphs with "but" but I'm doing it again . . . but music of this nature makes me think sadly, negatively sort of, of what life should be but isn't. It depresses me when it should lift me. Ugh.

Something was different and it was time to drink. I fight that urge almost everyday, at least a few times a week, but last night/early this morning the urge won. The bottle won. I changed clothes and walked to the nearest 24 hour store, left at 3:57 a.m. and was back at 4:32 and the bottle won. I got a 6 pack and some donuts and the bottle won. I'm drinkin' my 6th beer now at 2 minutes before 9 a.m. and I'm thinkin' of walkin' again for another 6 pack. Yay, to pack on more calories and weight is jhust what i need. Hooray. To be drunk to get away from the pain is just what i need. No, it's not what i need but it helps.

Joshua Tree is done. What's next? i could turn on Sportscenter on ESPN but maybe more tunes. My ears are ringing. Music played on a low, reasonable, sane volume level? no way, Jos-freakin-e. No way. What's next? Zep maybe? RUsh. Van Halen. beats me. All's i know is life sucks and this first post is just so wondetrful ain't it?

Zip i dee doo dah, zip i dee ay.